Well, I have to vent. I hope this is an okay place to do so. I can’t to anyone here…they wouldn’t understand. I need some help to gain some perspective on things. Sometimes you can’t tell if you’re being dramatic or if you have a right to be upset. Anyway…
So last night my HS and I were supposed to have this “talk” that I’ve been mentioning right? I called him earlier in the evening to let him know I’d be out a little longer than I thought but that I would be home at such and such a time. And we had a little preamble to our conversation and the things we wanted to talk about. This is all about our future plans really, so I think it’s fair to say it’s pretty important. He told me that he’s willing to get on another crew. Which is huge. He hasn’t switched crews since he got on the one he’s on and probably never dreamed of doing so…until he met me. Another crew, for those of you that don’t already know, would mean that he is based out of the west and not Alaska. Big difference. And I told him that I’m thinking about dispatching. He thought that was a great idea. So this was all very exciting and we were both feeling pretty good about things. He had to go and I had to go so we agreed to put more talk off until we both got home (him to his hotel). At the time, he was at the bar w/ one of his buddies, and he swore up and down to me last night and the day before, that he would be sober for our call and not stay out at the bars this particular night. I started home about 1:00, no call. 1:30…no call. 2:00…no call. You get my drift: NO CALL. I was SO disappointed. And worried. I call him this morning and he answers his cell. Why he didn’t call me first I can’t understand other than I’m sure he knew he was in deep and wasn’t ready to deal with it. He was also late for work this morning and dealing with that. At one point, he sounded like he was going to quit. But he didn’t, which is good…even if it means I won’t see him any sooner. He needs that job. Apparently he got wasted last night and came back to his hotel and passed out. And he didn’t need much explanation from me to know what a big deal it was that he didn’t call. Now understand, I’m not that uptight and any other night it wouldn’t have been a big deal. But this was our “meeting of the minds” talk as Fire Momma would say and he let me down.
So I’m feeling really disappointed. I told him I’m sure as hell not moving out of state for someone I can’t even depend on and trust. That’s logical right? And he just kept going on and on about what an idiot he is, etc. But I told him that’s not what I want to hear. I told him a lot of things and can’t go into that, ’cause it would take forever. I guess basically it comes down to his drinking and how when he goes drinking w/ the buddies it seems like all priorities are lost. He couldn’t stop telling me this morning how I’m his priority. But what good does that do me right now? He asked why I even put up with him. I told him that it’s because I love him and believe in sticking by someone, but that honestly, I asked my self the same question occasionally. He’s made progress but am I bound to deal w/ this always? Do men ever grow up?! When do you get to the point where you have to put your feelings for someone aside and look out for your self? When you’re married, you stick around no matter, but when you’re single…that can be a different story. I dunno. I’m confused.
I went from such a high last night about our big plans and feeling good about things to a big low and being SO disappointed…and mad. I HATE being mad.
So now he says he is going to come here on his next days off and he will have to even take a few days off b/c he has to go to Maine for his grandmother’s wake right around then too. I warned him about the money and he says he doesn’t care if it cost two thousand dollars, that he knows he needs to come here to fix things. Is this just butt kissing or should I take him sincerely? I need some perspective, friends.
Trust, communication and actually seeing one another more than once every three months…ingredients to a successful relationship that I’m feeling a real lack of right now.
Thanks for listening and sorry this is so long winded….an exercise in patience for you all.
Fire Momma, I loved your story. You are a great writer and storyteller. (although I’m w/ Robbie…what IS a Boinicle?) You and Sammi sure do contribute a lot of wisdom and perspective and humor around here. Hope you all enjoyed the photos…